In the night my mind wheeled around, I wandered aimlessly and later delved in a reverie. I was very tired yet I couldn’t sleep. My
I was recovering from my emotional imbalance, looking so thin and wary and there I was to go through physiological stress. How on earth was I going to manage it? I glanced at my watch, it was 8’o’clock in the evening. After few lucky prospective corps members had dinner from the camp kitchen, though I actually ignored when my friend told me about it as if I knew that the kitchen food was badly prepared most times not after I was a victim of their kerosene soup and garri. I had a taste of kerosene in the soup when I tried to eat it. Though that's a story for another day.
My friend and I had got nothing to eat that night. It was our first day in camp and others were scattered in the orientation camp, quickly getting acquainted and the ones who came late were busy going through the process of registration to get the NYSC kit—NYSC crested vest, two T-shirts and two shorts, jungle boot, khaki trouser and sneakers more tennis pair of shoes and two pairs of socks. We had passed that stage and now were trying to be friendly with the environment and probably hook up with our fellow prospective corps members. Everywhere was new to me. It was a beautiful experience I had longed for. I was very elated with joy to be there finally.
"Let's go get some food to eat at mami market," we agreed. I didn't have to worry my head about the camp meal for now because I had heard the kitchen food could be annoying most times with their outrageous cooking and "concussion" they called food.
We left to get something to eat at mami market. We wandered aimlessly round mami market that night in search of what to eat until we spotted a small shade where they were selling beans, roasted ripe and unripe plantain, yam, smoked fish. They would mix it like porridge after one had chosen from the menu, "How do you like it?" asked the seller “How much is a plate?” we asked. Finally we were served for what we ordered.
I was surprised how I was able to make a friend as soon as possible. I couldn't explain it, though she was cunningly quiet but I wasn't too sure of a lasting friendship, how I detest association of cunning people. She looked decent and humble, she was from Plateau State, dark skinned, slimmed girl with a golden blonde hair colour. I believed she was my age mate.
Having a flashed back how I left home for camp, I didn't come to camp with more three thousand Nigeria currency, I wasn't financially buoyant before my call up letter came. Though it didn't come sudden, I was fully aware, it was postponed from the first scheduled date, so I had time to prepare but financial constraint.
As I was eagerly waiting for the right date to approach, I looked for financial support from relations and relatives and even uncles, too bad it came at a time that even my parents couldn't help. I acknowledge my dad's tireless effort in sponsoring the publishing of my second book, "The Trauma", his unalloyed support when it comes to my life and career pursuit. I realized how I wanted this opportunity. I had patiently waited for that day to come and I couldn't wait to go to camp. Now was my opportunity and I didn't have to allow it slip away.
I really had to manage in camp, especially my feeding, since I didn't go to camp with any provision or food whatsoever, how I was going to survive it, I didn't know but my happiness was that I was finally in the NYSC Orientation Camp and I felt fulfilled.
Opportunity may knock only once but temptation leans on the door bell; be fast to avail yourself every opportunity that comes your way.
Prior to my deployment to Anambra on August 20th 2019. I was deployed to Nasarawa on November 2018. That was my supposed Batch C Stream II. It was October, I was in the village with my parents building our new house, my phone rang, it was Ajike Okwara, my course mate who was my "love teaser" who once expressed his feelings towards me but his stinginess was irritating and had never rendered me any help, not less two occasions I asked him for help but he kept giving me flimsy excuses, neither had he shown me any kindness of sort. But he was always pretending, he was looking out for me.
When my phone rang I picked, “Result is ready and our course mates have started processing for collection of result," he said. On hearing the news of result release my heart skipped in a bit. It churned, butterflies dancing and at the same time jubilating in my belly. For no reason I was scared. I later remained mute, scared of what my result would look like. I couldn't shy away from the thought and fear. I couldn't pretend it. I was conquered by fear. I stopped at finance department during my clearance before the travel by then result was at the administrative department "exams and records" and hadn't been released, they were still working on our results.
I was able to conquer fear and then I became very excited again. I was enthusiastic as soon as a dawn realization came to me that I was going to have a very good result. I never knew where the sudden confidence was coming from. I was sure of graduating with upper credit though I had ever prayed and worked hard to realize my goal, which turned to be a wish of graduating with a distinction.
I was very confident and I remembered a statement made by one of my teachers in secondary school, " Hope, you are always over confident, though at times it makes you pay less attention instead of rapt attention to more important things," he said. I didn't know if he actually said those out of regrets or compliment. This time I was sure I was going to pass all my courses. I kept being on my parents nerves, "I want to go back so that I will continue my clearance," I kept talking to them persistently and persuasively. It was actually a reminder, so after much hesitation we returned to the city of Aba, I wouldn't know why my parents weren't showing concern or bothered that I serve.
It was one year after my graduation and it's my obligation to serve and the same time with my mates. For me the only thing that should stop me was bad result but if my results came out good, why not? I realized they didn't want me to go for service because I was the only one left with the them in the house, after my three brothers lived in Lagos.
More things are wrought by prayer, than this world dreams of. Tennyson
I went into prayers, I asked God to direct me so that I would be deployed to a very good state for my service, It was about time I went for computation of my results, after many days stress and time it took me to get to that stage of collection of result. I went at once to the Information and Communications Technology (ICT) to start my National Youth Service Corps deployment process at once. Call up letter is one of the most essential documents for service and the process requires, your National Diploma and Higher National Diploma results respectively for Polytechnics, passport and Jamb regularization for NYSC Mobilization—I went home with the print out after the online registration.
Few days after the registration, call up letter was out. Though, I was given four choice of states, instruction was that one compulsory Northern state must be selected and every Eastern prospective corps member was scared of being deployed in any Northern State due to the constant crises over there and brutal killing of the Easterners by the Northerners. My only fear was that it was during election and every state was hot too, blood shed; scaring news everyday. People were disposed to fret, irritable and restless. I chose Rivers State, Bayelsa State, Ekiti State and finally Nasarawa. I later replaced one state with Enugu State.
I checked the Senate list, my name was there, so I waited for the printing of call-up letter. It was Nasarawa. I flamed up in fear. Fear and anxiety gripped me at once. I knew the implications, my parents would now find a reason to stop me from serving. Because most parents don't like it when their children are sent to any Northern State. In my case, my parents never wanted me to leave their sight because they thought I was a help to them.
When they heard I was deployed to Nasarawa State, "You are not going anywhere," said my dad and my mom supported. It was a gang up. Of all the states you chose Nasarawa State? You won't serve. You aren't going anywhere," they said. "Besides you want to go and get married to one Hausa boy, that won't happened," said my dad.
I saw those reactions coming anyway, but I was armless to the situation. If I was to make a choice, I wouldn't have chosen Nasarawa State. Batch C stream II prospective Corps members were getting prepared to go, "good to go" I was still battling with my parents who weren't considering my feelings at all on the whole matter. Quiet introspection can be extremely valuable; I had to examine my thoughts and emotions. It didn't go down well with me. I was shocked and couldn't stop thinking about it.
Don't allow what people say or feel about you, get to you, pull you down; people can also talk you into doing what is wrong in your bad days.
I began to think about what people would say. I put people's thoughts and feelings in front and didn't think about my wellness. I began to be a shadow of myself. People would say that I had bad result that's why I couldn't serve. "What will my course mates say? They will probably laugh at me that after my "best student shows" I was putting up in school nothing to prove it at last." I wasn't in my right frame of mind for days, especially the day we were expected to report at the camp.
I was upset with them and they knew it. They stopped me from serving with my mates and I felt I was deprived of my privilege, my only chance of proving myself. My mom came to share in my sadness, "Daughter I don't like the way you are emaciated," she said. “After you and dad bluntly refused me to go for service, but asked me to reject the call-up letter. Now my course mates are preparing for three weeks orientation camp. And they will be reporting to their State of deployment on Thursday November 15th (2018) and I’m here doing nothing but skinning life out of myself. It had taken a thorn on my flesh, what do you expect?" I said with anger in my voice. "The moment you and dad denied me of going to camp with my batch, that was the time you denied me happiness," I said this increasing my tone.
Few minutes later I rose up from my bed I began to nag before I knew what was happening she had left me in a hurry, crying profusely until tears stopped dripping down my eyes and dried off. “All I am saying is that you can’t cry a river. So keep crying. I have tried to explain everything to you. We did it for own good. I and your father want the best for you,” mom said. Don’t try anything stupid. Don’t hurt yourself,” she finally said to me before she left home to the market.
As soon as I heard the sound of the gate cracked opened and flagged closed I knew it was my mom leaving the house. I went back on my kneels to pray that morning.
If ye have faith and doubt not,... if ye shall say unto this mountain be thou removed and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. And all things whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. KJV
I thought they hated me. I felt neglected. They don't care about how I felt about the whole scenario. I remembered vividly, barely three days to the scheduled camp reporting date. They left for a condolence visit. My brothers telephoned them, asking them to permit me to go to the camp, they refused. My brothers gave up after trying to make them see reasons. I was in the house alone before sister Favour, our family friend came to visit with her son.
She saw how sad I was looking and my swollen red sore eyes. She asked the problem with me, at first I never wanted to tell her but later I briefed her. "Nasarawa is a calm state. You will go. I will talk to them," she reassured me. I doubted it, I wasn't convinced she would succeed in talking them into giving their consent. I was very sure they were not going to listen to her.
Ben, my friend, from Anambra State, residing in Senegal also advised me, "You are a big girl. Why are you seeking for their consent, are you expecting money from them to prepare for the camp? You have to get things done and don't wait for them to always ask you to do it. One day you will also want them to baby sit and feed you," he teased. I never wanted to go against their wish. All I wanted from them was for the to give their consent and prayers. I know how stubborn I can be but then I couldn't flaunt their order on this particular issue.
Don't allow what you can control to control you. You can always make changes for better tomorrow and don't allow what is happening to you now to stop you from pursuing greater things. Your future is always bright, though the ups and downs may weaken your hope of achieving success, but remember to always look at yourself and tell yourself that you have a future bigger and brighter than the recent happenings.
"My Only Comfort When I Was About To Give Up On Life" coming up next.
The only therapist that can help you find meaning in life is realizing your own self; self worth, idealizing everything about your life until everything about your life becomes ideas, living a life full of ideas that can be converted to bring out the best version of you.
Always visit consistently to follow up my story so that you don't miss any part of my life story. Thank you!
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